….And she returns…
So all my previous articles were written 4-5 years ago for the international readership of the Lupus Magazine. Since then, so so so many things have happened. Instead of boring you with only words, I’ll spice it up a bit with pictures here and there. Here’s my update in a picstory:
Trained in Restorative Justice
Featured on Television Jamaica’s “Talk Up Youts” twice
Graduated from The University of the West Indies, Mona Campus in Jamaica and was selected to be the valedictorian!!! (Bsc Psychology & Criminology (Hons)
Accepted in the Clinical Psychology Masters Program at the University of the West Indies, Mona
Received the Prime Minister’s National Youth Award for Academic Excellence
Featured on Television Jamaica’s “Profile”
Presently doing an internship in Dominica
Featured on a program by the government of Dominica to speak on the topic of sexuality
I was able to attain all these accomplishments despite the continuous onslaught of Lupus. I have chosen to share my academic triumphs, not as a means of boosting my ego but to give all my Lupus warriors and all my readers struggling with some difficulty, tangible proof that you can fight through complications and impediments to become accomplished and successful- to not merely do well, but excel. It is my divine duty to help you realise and understand that if you refuse to be defined by your present situation, you can change the world with your story.
I still feel pain every second of everyday. I still have mornings when I can’t get out of bed, times when I experience excruciating pain and occasions where I have had to be rushed to the hospital. I still have swellings, sore and stiff muscles and joints, hair loss, teeth sensitivity, temperature wack, nose bleeds, rashes, mouth and nose ulcers, headaches, diarrhea, vomiting and an unmerciful combination of fatigue and insomnia. I still have days when I drag myself through every waking hour and despite common sense and advice of loved ones, I try to work and end up begging my body to wait until I get home- out of the presence of people- to crash and burn. I still live though the torture of having Mitral Valve Prolapse, Nephritis, Arthritis and Fibromyalgia. Seven years after my diagnosis and I am still a walking pharmacy
By far, the most difficult experience I have endured is the loss of three of my young Lupus sisters with whom I was very close (RIP Maddie Pearce, Tameka Michelin and Nakeena Wallace…. May you fly among the angels). The pain of losing them surpasses all that Lupus has thrown in my face. The anguish is still so profound that even when literal tears may not fall, the internal downpour of loss, grief and sorrow rips through my heart and shatters my ability to hold it all together.
Admittedly, the fusion of all the above named factors and much much more drives me in a state of overwhelm sometimes. Many times. So certainly, I still have days when I feel frustrated, depressed and when I want to throw in the towel and say “To hell with all this!” Days when I want to be alone and the thought of human touch irritates me. Days when I sob until my head feels like it will explode. Worse days when the pain outweighs my tears so even after my cheeks are dry, I still find myself curled in a fetal position, moaning and whimpering uncontrollably. Days when I question, “Why me?” and allow myself the luxury to wallow in self-pity.
But then I get up, dry my eyes, take my pills, brush off the dust, put the ‘S’ on my chest and stand in the face of this monster and say:
I do not know what will happen tomorrow but I know that today I AM HERE. I am fighting. I am living. I am loving. I am excelling. I am inspiring the people I meet. I am choosing to put my pride aside to share my struggles so that it can give even one person some sense of hope. In doing this, I am ultimately changing the world…
So can you.
If you are doing that already, kudos to you. Continue leaving your footprints on the sand of time.
If you haven’t, I have just one question to ask:
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
By: Shoyéa-Gaye Grant ©
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