Choosing My Regrets

In my personal and professional life, I often see people who are either filled with regret or those who, upon evaluating their lives and feel satisfied with its outcome and their growth, say that they have no regrets. It seems to me that for the most part, regret is perceived in a negative light. It is often something that we try to avoid. And why not? Who wants to feel regret?

In the past, I was terrified of regret. This awful feeling of anguish and disappointment that I could have prevented, had I just done things differently. Its evasion became the basis of many of my major decisions. It is amazing that we don’t realize that sometimes the very thing that we try to avoid is that which controls us. And I don’t like to be controlled. After fighting so hard to take them back from Lupus, I cannot afford to lose my liberation and my power to anything. I refuse to be limited and restricted. My freedom is mine.

A butterfly should never be caged.

So, I made the decision about 8 years ago, to change my perception of regret so I no longer see it as an emotion that I should run from or fear, but as one that I should embrace. And it has since become my friend. It became a normal part of my life. I came to expect it and I continue to welcome it.

Instead of choosing to avoid it, I have been choosing to make decisions about the regrets that I am willing to live with and the ones that I can’t. More often than not, I will accept the regret of living, loving, doing and daring, as oppose to the regret of not knowing what would have happened if I did.

On this premise, I have found myself making decisions that had their foundation, not on fear of regret but on passion, purpose and the desires of my heart. So often, my decisions seemed spontaneous and irrational….maybe even crazy. In all honesty, if I had used pure logic, I never would have quit some jobs, changed my area of study, left some relationships, gone into others, fought for friendships, went on internship in a country I had never been to, gotten married, migrated and started a family. For every one of those decisions, the probability of regret was high because there was so much uncertainty – there was so much risk.

Did they work out? Absolutely. Those were some of the most rewarding decisions I have made. Those decisions have brought me unimaginable joy, opportunities and so much  growth.

So that means I have no regrets about them, right? Absolutely not.  For every decision I have made, I have, even for a fraction of a millisecond, regretted it….

And that is okay. Because life is not perfect. And even the most beautiful or fulfilling things can bring pain and disappointment. I have learnt that the most therapeutic thing I can do for myself in those times, is to be totally honest about my emotions, if not to others, at least to myself. When life punches me from behind and I fall flat on my face, I have accepted that it is okay to wish I were never in the boxing ring in the first place… Even if by the next morning or the next 5 minutes or the next 5 seconds, I know that is exactly where I should be.

So I continue to make decisions involving living and loving, and doing and daring that are rooted in ardent passion, divine purpose and the stubborn, deep-seated, unshakable desires of my heart. I continue to make decision that sometimes throw caution to the wind. I continue to make decisions that may seem irrational to those who have found comfort in safety. I continue to make decisions that are so huge, they scare me. But as my sister Jodi, says, “Shoy, do it afraid”. I continue to make decisions that I know I will regret at some point in time, but that I also know that I am okay with regretting.

Because I followed my heart. I chased my dream. I walked in my purpose.

Because I am following my heart. I am chasing my dreams. I am walking in my purpose.

Regret still pops up now and then.

And I find myself sitting with it for a bit then leaving it behind, knowing it will catch up on me again and when it does, I will be waiting for it.

Because regretting something does not mean that it did not bring me happiness at some point in time or that it did not align with my destiny. The possibility of regretting something does not mean that I should not do it, if I am more uneasy and reluctant to live with the regret of not doing it. 

So…Am I going to regret not doing it more than I might regret doing it? Ok… I am doing it!

Because the moment I chose to embrace regret, was the moment I became free from it.

Shoyéa-Gaye Grant-Massicotte ©