Before I start, let me make a public admission that I have “borrowed” the name of this article and the theme of it from my baby sister, Shantayaé, who just started her own blog. It is not really considered stealing if it belongs to your sister though, is it? Well not in my family. After wearing each other’s clothes, shoes, jewellery, make up etc. for as long as we have been alive, the boundaries between me and my sisters have become blurred to the point of non-existence. So I guess this is just one of those things *wink wink*. Check out her blog at howmiseet.wordpress.com. Thank you boo!
Now to the meat of the matter:
So I am currently in Dominica, sitting at my table in my apartment, drinking what I would deem to be the best soup I’ve ever had apart from my mom’s and thinking about how much I have changed since I have left Jamaica. I have been in Dominica since June but it feels as though I have been on a long journey of self-discovery and change. My personality has not been altered but my perspective most certainly has. Being in a country on my own ultimately propelled me into womanhood and into a state of maturity that was beyond my awareness. I am outside the comfort of my parent’s home, remote from my country and all that I considered familiar and I have embarked on a solo expedition.
Being alone has been one the most life changing experiences for me. At first, I despised it. At the onset, it seemed completely and entirely insufferable. I drenched myself in work in the days and when I got home, I cried. I missed my family and they missed me. I missed my friends and they missed me. I missed my country. All my life I lived in a household with my huge, dramatic, diverse, overly affectionate family. There was always someone there. It was not just a matter of me not wanting to be alone, but at the place I was, I honestly did not know how to live alone. My only comfort came in the hope that I would soon be accompanied. I engulfed myself in that hope so much so that it became my only reality. In retrospect, I was not fully enjoying or appreciating anything in my present because I was looking towards the future hope where I would not be alone…. Then one day, I realised that we make plans all the time, but then life happens. I was alone. I was living alone and it would be that way for a while. When did I lose myself in my fear? When did I become crippled by the unknown? When did I abandon my mantra of “Carpe Diem”?
No matter how bad things got before, I always dove in head first and lived! I can remember getting admitted in the despondency of a ward filled with patients with cancer, lupus and sickle cell. I would warn them to let me out before I got too well, but nobody ever listened. As soon as I gained some strength, as soon as the tubes got taken out of my hand and I could eat again, I would use that saline holder as my mike, singing and dancing! Soon I transformed into a journalist who read the news off the top of my head, recounting the daily happenings of the ward. In a hospital filled with the ambience of death, I found opportunity to live and spread happiness. Where there wasn’t any, I created it… Even if it got me into trouble. My situation of being alone was not nearly as life-threatening, so why should it be any different?
So I began to search for my answers and what I found was change. There were two things I needed to do. The first was that I needed to snap the hell out of it. My self-talk that was responsible for the snapping-out-of-it went something like this: “Like seriously Shoyéa? What is wrong with you?You’ve got this amazing opportunity… yet you are here in despair? You’ve been through hell and back and met death so many times on the way… and you still find time to not live in the moment? Remind me ma’am, what exactly makes you believe you have such luxury?”
The second thing that I had to do was embrace the change. Embrace being on my own. Embrace my independence! Explore myself! Me… Shoyéa-Gaye Grant. At this point in time, what is it that I want? Where am I emotionally and cognitively? That self-searching voyage brought me to a destination I did not know even existed. It brought me to the realization that I AM YOUNG. That insight had a domino effect. Some of the things I deemed important, some of the things I thought I knew, some of the things I thought I wanted, the stage I thought I was at…. It all came tumbling down one after the other.
So you may look at me and think, “Duh! You’re young”. At 24 years old, almost everyone would agree with you. But in all honesty, that was the firsttime I realized that. Since I was 17 years old, I have spent most of my energy fighting Lupus and not merely going to school, but establishing an outstanding academic career- building an academic legacy, which I have proudly inaugurated. However, I never had the opportunity to explore and just be, much like other teenagers and young adults. I always felt like I had to rush to do all I could possibly do because I may die like so many other Lupus warriors who have laid down their swords and gone to rest- some of whom will forever hold a space in my heart. Of course, nothing is wrong with wanting to do many things before we die. Nonetheless, I was perplexed by the feeling that I was rushing. I was not ready. I am not ready. I just know that right now, I need to stop and breathe and just be.
In just being and completely enjoying my now, I have experienced changes in the connections I share with people and I am completely open to possibilities that may emerge. I have formed new and exciting bonds and I anticipate what will evolve from them. Some of my relationships have withered and lost their significance. Others have remained firm and unchangeable, untouched by time and distance. Surprisingly, some have been made even stronger, defying the belief of a certain best friend of mine that connection is limited to proximity.
My exploration has come in a somewhat unexpected form. I rekindled my love affair with art. I have now started sketching again. I expect to begin painting and doing ceramics soon as well. I started writing articles again. I raised my blog from the dead and I have resumed doing what seems so effortless to me. The reconnection with my readers and Lupus fighters brought me to the realization of just how much I missed the fulfillment that comes from sharing my story with the world. I started writing poetry again. I am poetry… and in the hustle and bustle of the last five years, I forgot that. Even so, I have found that my first love has not died, and it was patiently waiting for my return. Today we are closer than we have ever been.
All these forms of art I have repossessed, I loved before now. However, something else happened. I found a new aspect of art that I have been exploring. It came as such a surprise to me because I never considered it or even entertained such interest before. I found music… and I fell in love with music. Now it seems as though my existence has been and will be incomplete without it.
Change has turned my life upside down. The certainty and structure I once had dissolved. I do not have the same sense of direction that I did when I was leaving Jamaica, as it relates to some aspects of my life. Of course, there have been objections to my change. I expect many more to come. Nevertheless, I will hold onto the view point my sister has taken. “Many found it hard to accept. And it’s funny that they believe that it’s theirs to accept…I am not theirs”(Shantayaé Grant, Change). My older sister, Sashoié echoes those sentiments when she tells me, “Everybody goes through this stage at different points in their lives. Do what you have to do for you, babe”. I realize that I owe absolutely no one the obligation of living my life the way they deem appropriate, especially if they are merely onlookers and have no direct influence on my happiness, unless I give them that power. I will not. You should not either. At the end of the day, we are the ones experiencing the emotions that result from our actions or inactions. We are all responsible for our own happiness. We deceive ourselves and quite frankly, become delusional and ludicrous, if we rest that responsibility on the shoulders of people who are trying to find their own happiness.
I honestly do not know what will happen, but today I am making a conscious decision to embrace my change.
Dominica has taught me so much so far… But something inside is telling me that the changes and the lessons have only just begun.
Shoyéa-Gaye Grant ©
Recent Comments