Behind this strong woman…

I remember walking down the aisle with my father holding my hand. We had rehearsed the evening before and when my father suddenly stopped before we reached the point we had agreed on at the rehearsal, I tried to nudge him without putting a dent in my smile. He had stopped way too early. He wasn’t sticking to the script. He didn’t understand that everything needed to go as planned because the day had to be perfect.  Before I could start panicking, I saw Ashley turning around…. With a mike in his hand.

Now, Ash sang for me before and I all but melted. Even though he believes that he does not sing as well as he did when he was younger, I am convinced that God has not taken back that talent. But as he was singing for me on our wedding day, a flood of emotions overflowed the fortification of his perfectly rehearsed notes. I watched as he struggled to contain his emotions and arrive at a beautiful finish.

That scene is pretty much a synopsis of Ash’s life. Each day, he pushes past various obstacles for the sake of love. I am a witness to his daily sacrifices. He gives of himself willingly and repeatedly to ensure that Jélani (our son), Ranger (our dog) and I are happy and comfortable.

Life for Ash has been far from easy. He has had to fight battles, endure losses and work extremely hard. Still, his physical struggles surpass them all. Like me, Ashley is quite intimate with constant physical pain and discomfort. He knows what it is like to have the fangs of malady attempt to strangle his body and his spirit. He knows what it is like to continuously fight to take his life back. He knows what it is like to push past agony and uneasiness. He knows what it is like to do the very opposite of what his body wants him to do. He knows what it is like to mentally fight to function and thrive so his physical battle remains imperceivable to those outside his cluster.

Still, he says he would take my pain, if it would take my pain away. But truth be told, I would take his pain in a heartbeat. For me, seeing him in pain beats anything that Lupus throws at me. Before now, I had always been on the side where I was the one who was sick. I had no idea how painful it was to see someone I love hurting, where I am totally helpless. Furthermore, I was ignorant of the reality that this is how the people I love feel when I am sick. I only came to that realization one morning when I was having a conversation with Ash. The night before had been a rough one for him and although he toughed it out while he was awake, all through the night he was groaning in pain as he slept. I remember going into the bathroom and crying my eyes out numerous times that night. At one point, I laid on his chest, held his hand and begged God to take his pain away. When that didn’t work, I bargained with God to give me his pain. It seemed too torturous to bear. In the morning, this was our conversation:

Shoy: I never knew how hard it was to see someone you love in pain and there is nothing you can do about it. It feels soooooo horrible, and feeling helpless is the worst part. *sad face*

Ash: Babes, that’s how I feel about you every day.

Shoy: *shock face*

I had an epiphany. Loving Ashley has given me insight into what it is like for him to love me…. And boy, it’s rough. Yet, he does it every day.

Unlike me, Ash has not shared his struggles with the world. However, I think if he chooses to, the world would be blown away by how unbelievably extraordinary he is. Although his adversities could have broken him, and in some cases, almost did, he has evolved, and continues to evolve from them with a level of mental, physical and spiritual potency that I have never seen before. When I look at him, I see tenacity, determination, sacrifice, beauty, faith, humility and of course, the loveliest pair of greenish-gray eyes.

Although this journey has not been easy, it has been astoundingly wonderful. If I had to do it all over again, I would probably do it a bit earlier. In a previous article, Ash said he didn’t marry Lupus, he married Awesomeness. Well, I didn’t marry Colitis or Sacroiliitis, I married Incredibly Amazing.

I slay, I conquer and I win because he does not allow me to give up or lose faith. His strength is my vertebrae. His conviction keeps me grounded. His resolve is my motivation.

Behind this strong woman, is an even stronger man.

Shoyéa- Gaye Grant-Massicotte ©