… And I Know

Sometimes I still find it unbelievable: I am getting married!

Every time I put my ring on my finger, I become overwhelmed with uncontainable joy and humble pride. In the couple of seconds that it takes to slide the ring over the joints to get to the base of my finger, I feel proud yet humble, knowing that that with which I clad my finger, is a public declaration that I am his- only his. Then, I am taken back to that beautiful Sunday, whale watching on that boat in the middle of the sea, where Ashley changed my life with one question: “Will you marry me?” To be honest, he didn’t just pop that one question but it is the only thing I remember perfectly. I know he said some very sweet things and I can remember bits and pieces, but a whirlwind of emotions spun violently in my head. The first was surprise. I knew we would get married, that was a given. However, the days leading up to that Sunday, Ash gave subtle hints that a proposal wouldn’t be in the now. So I was thrown way off guard. Of this, he is still quite proud. Then, I was overtaken by a range of different emotions, from disbelief to glee to exhilaration to euphoria. I was never the kind of girl to cry when I was happy, until Ash turned me into his mushball. I remember thinking, “I am not going to cry, I am not going to cry”. Unknown to me at that moment, was the fact that my mental recitation became a verbalization… and I was crying. Then somehow, I managed to utter the most natural ‘yes’ that I have ever voiced. Never had I been so sure of anything in all my life.

Since 16 years old, my life has been anything but easy. Sickness, loss, pain… To this day, my journey is a constant struggle. Yet somehow, God has consistently given me balance: An amazing family, wonderful friends, the spirit of resilience and a remarkable brain.  Now, he has given me Ashley Massicotte.

Ashley is the movie to all my previews. He is the permanent blessing that all the temporary ones were leading me to. When I look at the way Ashley loves me, I know without a doubt that this is the first time that I have ever experienced love that loves me totally and unconditionally in return.  Ashley’s love surpasses any fear and complications of Lupus. Ashley’s love travels for days to come be with me, and combats and overcomes all things that dare to present themselves as obstacles on its way. Ashley’s love keeps its word. Ashley’s love stays on the phone with me every night so I can fall asleep. Ashley’s love apologises, forgives, protects, makes me laugh, makes me cry happy tears, writes me letters and poems and sends me greeting cards and love quotes on a daily basis. For me, Ashley is love, he is home, he is my safe place where I can remove all the pieces of pride that clothe me and be totally Naked in my vulnerability… and know he will love me anyway.

So, sometimes I still cannot believe. Not just that I am getting married, but that I am getting married to the man who completes me and brings me more happiness than I could ever have imagined.

Sometimes I still cannot believe. Not just that I am engaged, but that I am engaged to the only man I want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life and the only man whose chest is my pillow and whose heartbeat is the rhythm that drives away my insomnia.

Sometimes I still cannot believe. Not just that I am going to be joined in holy matrimony, but that I will be joined in holy matrimony with the man from whose rib I was created, with the man who makes me feel beautiful and loved and cherished.

Sometimes I still cannot believe. Not only that I will be someone’s wife, but that I will be the wife of the man I love with every fibre of my being, the man I want to build a kingdom with, the man I want to grow old with.

Sometimes I still cannot believe. Not only that I will share my life with someone, but that I will share my life with the man I can talk to about anything and everything, the man who helps me to grow in every aspect of my life and to heal in every area where I am broken.

…. Then he holds me or reaches over and touches me or calls my name… and I know. I know that no matter what happens, Ashley’s arms will keep me safe and his love will comfort me. I know that I have found the other half of my soul. I know this is what love is supposed to be like and feel like and look like and behave like. I know that the beauty of the magic of what we share when we are in the same space is as real as the agony we feel when we are apart.

…. And I believe. I believe with all that is within me. I believe that Ashley is God’s gift to me. I believe that he is God’s way of proving the validity of the theory of soulmates and His way of reminding me that true, unconditional love holds within it, the potential to save people.

And though sometimes it is so hard to believe that this is happening, that I am getting married to the heart of my heart and the soul of my soul, I am extremely overjoyed that it is.

Because when he holds me or reaches over and touches me or calls my name, I know…

I know that I am his and he is mine.

PS. So Ash, you are now talking to me, thinking that you are trying to disrupt me only minimally so I can write my article, oblivious to the fact that I am writing this for you. I know I could probably wait and say all these things in my vows to you but you deserve to hear them every day. I love you and I am so happy I waited for you. As you hold me or reach over to touch me or call my name, I know… I know you were worth the wait.

Shoyéa- Gaye Grant ©