Within the pain and agony of Lupus, is wrapped the many life lessons we may have never learnt any other way. Among the most important, is the value and meaning of relationships. Lupus not only teaches us how important and necessary relationships are but it goes further to make a clear distinction between the persons who are our true, few roots, that keep is strong and grounded, and the ones who are just leaves; necessary for us to grow, but who we will shed after a while.
The relationship between friends:
There are those who will only hear that you haven’t been so well while there are those who will be angry with you for not calling them in the middle of the night when you had a Lupus meltdown. Friends who understand, who don’t but are willing to listen and be there, who help us up through the pain, are so very rare. Personally, this has taught me to hold on tight to the few I have even if we don’t communicate often and even if we are countries apart.
The relationship with family:
We often have a very large pool of relatives but very few family members. It takes much more than having similar DNA and sharing the same last name, to earn the noble and worthy title of being called family. Family does not mean we will always see eye to eye. It means, however, that we stick together in times of crises and that counting on each other is a guarantee. Not mere relatives, but family, are the persons who are always supportive and who offer a helping hand, even when we feel like we can do it on our own.
The relationship with the significant other:
This one is quite intresting. At first, some will say they have no reservations dating or marrying someone with Lupus. Of course, give them just a taste of what Lupus is really like, show then just the tip of the iceberg of what we don’t show the rest of world, and sometimes we find that they have broken Usain Bolt’s 100m world record as the fastest sprinter alive. The ones who know what we face on a daily basis, who see us at our lowest point, who put up with us when we are grumpy and moody, yet still love us and want to spend the rest of their lives with us are certainly heaven sent. Lupus shines the light on the very few diamonds in the rough who are willing to go through the storm with us.
Relationship with God:
Indeed it is often when we have come face to face with death, when neither science nor superstition can help us, that we find that life and hope are eternally hidden in a power higher than human understanding. Someone who knows us inside out yet loves us, who we reject but who stands waiting at our heart’s door for that day when we will open and let Him in, a King who humbly came to shine the light of love in this dark, cold and dying world, may be too much for some human minds to fathom. What cannot be debated though is the fact that there have been and will be times when no earthly power, love or friendship, will be able to take us through the valley of the shadow of death.
All these relationships have been the rope we hold on to for dear life (literally) since we have been thrown in the sea of Lupus. However, one relationship equally important to the ones mentioned above but sometimes ignored is the relationship with the person within; a relationship with one’s self.
The truth is that no matter how much persons love us and promise to always be there for us, they won’t always be there. They can’t always be there, no matter how hard they try. They are humans, and they will be busy, tired, stressed, frustrated or maybe want a break, just as we often feel. Sometimes circumstances, distance or other factors may present themselves as the obstacles that prevent them from being there for us. For whatever reason, there will be times when it is just us.
There is the other side of it too, when they are there physically, but they cannot be there for us the way we want them to be. Truth be told, sometimes we cannot even figure out or express how exactly it is that we want them to be there. There may be times when, try as they may to understand what we are going through, they just do not because while they are affected by it, they are not living with Lupus.
For some of us, our lifelines sometimes do not understand the depth to which they are needed but while that tears us apart and drives us crazy, we have to appreciate that they love us and they try. (I am only so rational and calm now because I am not screaming in my wet pillow at the moment… But hey, being rational works best when you are not in the heat of the moment don’t you think?)
It has reached and it’s going to reach the point where we have to hold our own hands, where we have to hug our own selves and wipe our own tears. It will reach the point where we will have to be the ones to whisper in our own ear, to that Lupie crying inside, “You are strong enough… and I am right here with you.”
If we cannot depend on the one person who knows us best and who is always with us, who else can we depend on? While we cannot refute the fact that we need God and our loved ones to take us through this journey that is often a hell-way, we must find the friend, the confidante, the fighter within, and seek
to build a relationship of dependency with that person.
We must love ourselves before we can love others. We must respect ourselves before we can respect others. We must value ourselves before we can value others. We must be able to depend on our inner selves for support, before we can be dependent on others.
By: Shoyéa-Gaye Grant ©
First published in The Lupus Magazine
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