I was raised around females (with the exception of my Daddy), and became a sassy little mouthpiece from a very young age. My family thought I would be a lawyer. Instead, I became a pro-black feminist psychologist. I have always fought for and will always fight for the rights or women. I will continue to be an advocate for women and girls who are disproportionately affected by certain social ills and mental health issues. I believe, fully, that girls really do run the world.
But then I fell in love, got married and became a boy mom.
Being surrounded by my Man Squad (Ashley, the HusBae; Jèlani, the teen; and Shaylan, the toddler) has made me much more aware of how our society and culture also disenfranchises men and little boys. Awareness sometimes sneaks upon me and whispers gently into my ear, heart-breaking realities that make me shiver. And sometimes it comes like ear shattering banshee screams that refuse to abate until I stop and turn my attention to it. The latter is the kind I would like to share through this article.
This is how it all started: I put beads in Shay’s hair.
The questions and comments have never stopped: “Why would you put beads in his hair?” “Don’t you know he is a boy?” “He will think he is a girl”. “Boys’ hair shouldn’t be combed.” “You wanted a girl.”
At first glance, our Caribbean society seems to be very protective of the masculinity of our boys and men: “Don’t give boys dolls.” “Little boys shouldn’t get too much love and affection, or they will become soft.” “Men should not cry or be scared”. Of course, we do not want our men to be too effeminate and we do not want them to have gender issues, right? Wrong. The truth is that many of the practises and beliefs upheld by our present culture are the very roots of the tree of toxic masculinity. They also often reflect a glaring ignorance of our African history before colonization and slavery, where, in many tribes, African men’s hair was worn with pride as a symbol of their wisdom.
From very young, we teach our little boys that they do not have any right to express certain emotions. Anger and happiness? Sure! But any expression of hurt and vulnerability are perceived as weak. Our little boys are forced to hide and bottle up their emotions and grow into men who hide and bottle up their emotions. This cultural injustice robs males of their emotional intelligence, and inevitably, a very significant part of their humanity. Many men are unable to connect to those they love most or express the depths of their emotions because they have never been taught to do so. This remains the underlying issue of so many failing relationships. We cannot teach our little boys to suppress their emotions in childhood and adolescence, then expect them to have healthy emotional attachment and connections when they become partners and fathers.
On the contrary, as soon as our little girls are born, we give them dolls and start teaching them how to take care of babies. Generally, our girls are taught and encouraged to be sensitive, caring, and empathetic, but our boys are taught and encouraged to be more rational and emotionally detached. This perpetuates the belief that nurturing is a woman’s job which overburdens the mothers and deprives fathers of the chance to partake adequately in nurturing their children. We often think women are born with innate nurturing skills, but that is gravely inaccurate. Just as not all sperm donors are fathers, not all baby carriers are mothers. Not all women are nurturing, and some men have stepped up to the plate and superseded expectations when given the opportunity. We hardly acknowledge the men who show up and show out for their children, the ones who stay up with sick babies and show affection to their daughters and sons, the ones who are safe places for their babies and their loved ones and the ones who sacrifice. Yet we are all too eager to magnify those who are irresponsible, without acknowledging that it is our very own culture that has created, and continues to fortify them.
It has always been interesting how quickly our Caribbean culture is armed and ready to ensure that dolls, beads, and emotions don’t alter the course of masculinity. However, this same Caribbean culture does considerably less to protect its little boys from sexual abuse (as some would say, “because those things happen to girls more”), even though childhood sexual abuse can impact gender and sexuality.
So when the hair and beads comments come, this is often what goes through my mind:
“So our baby has beads in his hair. But let me tell you something, he also has constant stimulation through his senses, because we know that it is important for his developing brain, which is forming the basis of how he will learn for the rest of his life. We understand right now that the core of his personality is being formed so we are teaching him that his emotions matter, that he is amazing, he is loved, and he is valuable. Especially now when the tantrums are steadily rising, we are teaching him how to understand and regulate his emotions. We are as protective of him as we would be of a little girl because we are aware that little boys experience abuse too. We do not force him to show anybody affection when he does not want to because we are teaching him to have autonomy over his little body. We are teaching him that he has the right to say no to anybody if he feels uncomfortable, even if it is someone he knows and loves. He is the most active, most happy, most amazing little boy and even at 2, he knows he can change the world. I put beads in his hair because I can, because my Man Squad thinks it’s cool, because he’s a Dominican-Jamaican baby with multicultural influences, because he has beautiful, long, healthy hair, and because he thinks he is a little Bob Marley performing on stage when he’s listening to his nursery rhymes. Above all, I put beads in his hair because I am acutely aware that what we put into his head and into his heart have much greater impact than what we put in his hair. “
But I never say that. I just ignore. Because the people who actually deserve that explanation do not require it. And because I would not have the time since my little ninja would probably be climbing up the supermarket shelves and jumping off the tops of them while shouting “One more time!” by the time I am halfway in.
Bottom line: Let’s stop majoring in the minor things. Little boys deserve to be just as loved up on and just as protected as little girls. We need to teach our boys that expressing the range of their emotions is not just a right, but a necessity, so that we can have a generation of emotionally healthy and emotionally intelligent men. By loving our boys, we teach them how to love others in friendships and relationships. By withholding love from them, we are compromising their capacity to love other and love themselves.
Where does all this awareness leave me?
For as long as he has hair, I will continue to put beads in my son’s hair. I will continue to take care of his beautiful hair and comb it in the cutest styles my creative juices will conjure. I am an artist, and my baby’s hair is my canvas.
And as for me? I am now a pro-black, feminist, fan of the Black Man, boy-mom psychologist who definitely believes that girls really do run the world, but equally, that it is a man’s world!
Shoyéa-Gaye Grant-Massicotte ©
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