Tears of a Butterfly

It means relinquishing selfish pride and opening up. This may be hard and it may be a gradual process but the most important thing to remember is that it is impossible for butterflies to fly with their wings closed.As Lupies, we go through some very emotional and personal expereinces that we sometimes feel we should keep to ourselves. We often feel that maybe we are alone…Until someone dares to share hos/her story and we come to realisation that someone else out there goes through similar, if not identical situations at times. I has given me the insight that this “holding it all inside” is most certainly not what living a purposeful life demands.I was very private with personal information but someone very important and inspirational, my very own Lupus mom, taught me that sometimes I have to put pride aside in order to help my fellow Lupies. If I can help at least one person, if I can give a dying person hope then living a life with Lupus has purpose and meaning (Thank you Julia Sherred!). The doctors are there to help us in the ways they have been trained to. However, we have to use what we have to help each other. What we have is ourselves and our experiences. What we have is our stories.

This butterfly has decided to spread her wings…This my Lovies, is the beginning of my disclosure:

I cannot speak for other Lupies but my confession is that I run from my tears. I go out of my way to hold those tears behind my eyelids. I surround myself with persons who make me laugh, I max out my time so that I always have something to do and no time to reflect, I use art, get lost in a book or my favourite, I transform all the hurt into anger…and hell knows not the fury of a woman with Lupus.In all honesty, the fear in crying does not arise solely from the possibility of receiving pity and it is not totally accountable to pride. Its just that sometimes I feel like if that first tear falls, it may open the floodgates and I may not be able to contain the downpour. Even so, the tears fall anyway, either in drizzles or thunderstorms.Sometimes the realities of Lupus ambush me at rather inconvenient times and it gets so overwhelming I cannot stop the tears from trickling down my cheeks. These are the little drizzles and they rarely occur. They happen in the bus or taxi, when I’m walking by myself in a crowd or when I am sitting in a computer lab doing some work. There is no concern for others as everybody is minding his own business and the few who might notice don’t have the fortitude or compassion to say something. This is to my advantage.

The thunderstorms occur even less than the drizzles. I hold everything inside then something seemingly insignificant happens that pushes me right over the edge: The pin that burst my balloon filled with water. I go into my room, shut out the world and let it all out. I muffle my wails with the thickness of my sheets and I sob until my pillows are soaked, until my eyes are swollen and my head is pounding… Then I sleep it off so no one will notice in the morning.

Innumerable emotions and thoughts are captured within those tears: the loss of a normal life and health, the wish that things were different and easier, the feeling of solitude, confusion, frustration, helplessness. Even within my immaturity and innocence, my adolescent intuition was telling me that keeping all of that and much more inside cannot be healthy.

We hear it said many times that crying does not symbolise weakness, but how many of us actually believe that? I don’t… But it is true. To go through Lupus with a positive attitude most times (not all, since we all have our moments), is in itself, the definition of strength. However, being strong does not mean not being true to our loved ones and ourselves. It does not mean hiding and suppressing the part of us that hurts and aches emotionally.

Tears can be the only way to let out the things we hold inside that cannot be expressed through action or words, the feelings that cannot named or easily understood. However, if we hide our tears form the persons who love us, we are robbing them of the opportunity to love us in our entirety: the happy, the sad, the in between. How will we ever know what it feels like for our tears to be wiped be someone if we never allow them to see those tears fall?

It is good to be perky and to maintain a positive attitude towards Lupus. Nonetheless, let us all remember to be true. Whether we cry frequently, once a year, in the open, all alone, let us remember that it is okay to cry because our tears only but a product of our pain, not who we are.

In the words of Alex Tan, “Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”- Alex Tan

©Shoyea-Gaye Grant